Sex Therapy and Paid Companionship

I’ve invited you to my hotel room for a secret rendezvous before our dinner reservation. You let yourself in and the lights have been dimmed. You help yourself to the dish of homemade lavender caramels on the nightstand. You’re sweating, and a tiny bit nervous. What is Josie Qu about to do? The splits? Again? 

I finally come strutting out of the bathroom like Linda Evangelista in red lace lingerie and heels, passion ablaze, and push you onto the bed. You can feel that everything is just a whisper of lace as I pin you down. Then I whisper into your ear that I brought a friend, Esther Perel, sex therapist, to join us. 

At this point, you’re probably thinking it’s time to REWIND. Why are we inviting a sex therapist,  to join our incredibly liminal and uncoventional relationship? What can she do for us? Why isn’t Josie doing the splits instead? 

Esther may not be able to do the splits, but she can do a lot for us though.  

After studying Esther Perel for the past few years, I’ve realized her relationship teachings are beneficial to the world of paid companionship. Mainstream society is full of misconceptions that devalue (and criminalize!) transactional sexual relationships between consenting adults, yet I’ve experienced very vibrant and intimate relationships with my clients. I believe guided self reflection via Esther Perel’s survey on intimacy and desire can build strong foundations for current relationships, or plant the seeds for vibrant future relationships. By learning more about intimacy as a client, you can feel less self conscious, more imaginative, and more inspired in the bedroom and beyond.  

Don’t be too harsh or judgmental of yourself when you take this inventory. Feel free to skip questions if you feel like they are too heavy for you, and don’t feel like you have to complete the survey in one night. Keep the words of Peggy Kleinplatz, noted sexologist, in mind: “Great lovers are not born, they are made”.

*I know I was not made into an major league lover overnight, but that’s a story for another day lol.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, but just a nosy and humble h**ker who wants everyone to enjoy better sex and relationships with themselves and the people who they desire. 

Recommended recipe to eat along with the survey: I suggest comfort food for such a formidable survey. I recommend a bowl of fluffy white rice with homemade Lion’s Head Meatballs, a Shanghai favorite.

Esther Perel’s Intimacy Inventory: 10 Questions You Should be Asking Yourself About Your Sex Life 

1. What is a strength you bring to your relationships? What's a dilemma that you carry with you? 

2. When do you feel most free in your relationship?

3. What do you like to experience in sex? Some options here include: tenderness, softness, closeness, intensity, aggression, transcendence, spiritual connection, rebelliousness, a release, surrender, dominance, abandon, unboundedness, freedom, freedom from responsibility, ruthlessness, timelessness, giving, receiving, being taken, possessing 

4. What are the dominant messages you grew up with about boys & girls/men & women? 

5. Among the 5 senses, which one is most sexual for you? (seeing / hearing / smelling / touching / tasting) 

6. Of the following verbs, which one are you most comfortable with, and which would you like to stretch? To Ask | To Take | To Give | To Receive | To Refuse 

7. How comfortable are you in communicating your sexual wants and dislikes? How about your emotional wants and dislikes? 

8. What was the attitude towards sex in your family growing up? (e.g., comfortable, natural, awkward, repressive, shameful, guilt inducing, abusive... please elaborate, go beyond the word!). 

9. Do you want sexual exclusiveness in your relationships? 

10. What is a hard conversation for you to have around intimacy and sexuality? How do you feel? What happens to your body? What is the story there?