“Consider this roleplay concept- A charcuterie board is repurposed as a spanking paddle for two chefs from rival restaurants. The safe word is cornichon.

Someone can be heard screaming, ‘Spread me like duck rillettes!’”

When Lacey Teas whispered those lines to me before our guerilla photoshoot at a bustling Sur La Table in San Francisco, it was confirmation that we would be excellent roleplay partners and that Sur La Table should hire us immediately for their marketing team. 

Lacey and I had been chatting on Twitter since early 2019 and as a former theater geek, I was drawn by our similar background and her creativity. We finally met her at a fabric shop on a foggy San Francisco afternoon. Following her rose tinted curls, we wandered through rainbow aisles of extravagant fabric trims and buttons which acted as the perfect ice breaker. 

We gleefully shared our upcoming lingerie projects- she was searching for a lavender elastic for a ouvert panty for her self-directed erotic movie while I was on the hunt for a red lace for a bodysuit. As she shared her playful and sexy storyboard for her shoot, I felt my face redden and said, “I’ll gladly be on catering duty next time I’m in San Francisco so I could be on set for this magic.” 

“Even better, why don’t we be on set together? We can be rival caterers who have an after hours cook off for an exclusive hotel contract, but end up getting very distracted...”

By then, we had shared our extensive role play history with each other. I had a full bedroom LinkedIn as a journalist, building inspector, medical professional, chief of state, and military officer. She had an equally decorated resume with years of erotic improv under her belt from temping as an anesthesiologist to femme cat robot.    

Fortified by the spirit of mutual mischievous chaos in the air and bellies full of homemade fermented tea from Lacey, we pushed through the throngs of Christmas shoppers and tired 9-5 commuters to the Sur La Table. We were two chefs on a mission to take our diners not to just any feast, but to the fabled Flavortown. Aprons were laced and unlaced, spatulas were repurposed as sensual burlesque props, and rolling pins were slapped at each other’s asses with a wink. 

Now you’re thinking, how can I join this colorful kitchen? Do I need to bring my own bands for “even dough thickness”?

Old friend, you’re asking the right questions, but no bands needed.

You can find your two naughty housewives virtually @LaceyTeas on Twitter and laceyteas@protonmail.com, and me at josiequ@protonmail.ch and www.josiequ.com. We’re available for private cooking lessons in San Francisco and San Jose. 

If you want an extra helping at dinner, bring ingredients for Lacey’s favorite recipes: Beef Heart Tartare and Khoresh-e Ghormeh Sabzi (Persian Herb, Bean and Lamb Stew)